How I Really Want To Work For You (In Charts)

It has recently been brought to the attention of my people—that is, it has been brought to my attention, by me—that I am in need of a job. And when I say a ‘job,’ I mean something that might fall into the itemized category of ‘full-time’ or ‘gainful’ or ‘productive’ or something of that variety. And when, in reaction to this sudden need for employment, I asked my people—meaning, I asked myself—what this might mean, it turns out, it just might mean possibly working for an organization such as yours. In support of this hypothesis, my people showed me the above pie chart. And I, in turn, present it here to you so that you might decide for yourself.

As is so often the case, with the onset of a brand-new year comes new, and exciting expectations of what the year might bring. And this year is no different than any other in the number of intriguing possibilities it stands to potentially deliver. Building on the information presented in the previous pie chart of Exhibit A, and in light of a most recent study carried out by a very astute team of my own creation, the chart below aims to encapsulate the levels of desire found in myself when presented with the possibility of working for you. As you can see, desire inventory would seem to soar this coming year. And there’s no telling just how far the levels will go if allowed to grow unabated.

In a recent long-term forecasting study, it was determined that the levels of enthusiasm to which a person might accept a job position diminish rapidly over time as the possibilities of being offered that position decrease to almost nothing over the course of the long-term future. In the chart below, it can be seen that the levels of enthusiasm for this specific job position will more than likely peak at the “Are You Kidding?” levels in the early part of 2019, and will return (fairly quickly) to “Um, What?” levels by around mid-2021. Twenty years from now, by 2038, it is expected that there will be absolutely no enthusiasm left whatsoever. But then again, you never know.

To me, a salary is like a really close friend—someone who you can always count on to be there when you really need them to be there for you. A salary is that special someone that helps guide you through the good times; giving you that extra push when things get tough. And even better than a friend, a salary will help pay your rent, and sometimes even all of it. It will even put food on your table and beer in your fridge. All you have to do is ask. It’s like having your own personal genie. But without a wish quota. And without the need to wear those funny-looking slippers with the curled up toes, or take flight on any magic carpet.